Ooooooohh! This is weird! Oh so weird. I have no idea what's changed. I actually don't. I'm more freaked out by this happiness lark than I ever was with even the deepest depression. I've been happy, liek consistently happy for about 3 weeks, which by the way is actually a record. I don't know where it stems from. Maybe it's an uber adrenaline rush from my tattoos!? Surely that jsut aint physically possible? You can't have a 3 week adrenaline rush from 2 little tattoos!? Things are definately looking up. I tihnk I've realised how damned well I'm doing! I don't want to seem braggy but things are looking upp! I've got my own place, I'm financially nearly secure, I'm at college doing a course I'm interested in, I'm being paid alot of money for a job I actually like and I have as much freedom as I want. I realised that despite it being a shitty job I actually enjoy it. I still can't bide about *thinks* 40 percent of my colleagues but I can deal wirth them. 50% of them I actually like and the other 10% I count as friends so it's all gravy. I think my love life may be looking up. I dunno, I really dunno. I don't want to be with Mark, I tihnk I've just been convincing myself, I reet like being mates with him though. He;s fucking mint!! T'other one though, I see a future with him, like a long term future, kids and stuff. I really think he'll be te father of my kids, this isn't me being afantasist. I have a gut feeling. I dunno though. All the signs are there he likes me but I still dunno. Something tells me things ar going to come to a head soon though. Not gettign my hopes up though

I sound as though I have the perfect life and everything is going right but there are still some things I have to work on. FOr starters I need to mkae more of an effort with my family, I live closer than I have for about 3 years but I still don't get to see them! Damn working shitty hours, might start going down after work. I feel like I'm missing DAisy growing up, when she was born I promised myself that I'd see her grow up but I'm missing things all the time. And my Grandma Cis, she's 83 now and I don't see her for months on end, something I know I'll regret deeply when her time comes. I'm going to try go atleast once every 2 weeks. My friends must get uber sick of notseeing me. I say friends but there's only really steph left now. Laurie and that I dunno, we kind of meet once in a while for old times sake, we're just all too scared to let go. We've been through so fucking much together and I'd liek to stay friends with thme but we're worlds apart from now. We've all moved on without eachother. Steph!!! I fucking love her, she's like my sister. Seeing you yday made me realise how much you mean to me and we have to see wachother more regulary thatn we are atm. I knwo it's damned hard becasue we've both got so many commitments but I'm not letting this go. I want you to be the godmother to my kids. I want you to be bridesmaid at my wedding and tell funny stories about us. I want you to be the best friend I always wanted, you are that but I want it always. I heart you pet. I hope you know it.

OMFG. I have confidence! Which is most odd, I think this comes from college and getting out on my own with the flat and all that jazz. I dunno I used to walk with my head to the ground but I don't anymore. It's not a conscious thing. I dunno I jsut like it!

Hmmm this pregnancy thing is proper freaking me out now. I've been having a recurring, vivid dream that I'm pregnant, like the entire pregnancy and I can feel things liek contractions and the baby kicking. I've had it like 6 times now. I've also been waking up with my hand on my stomach, like pregnant women do, proper weird. I dunno. It's WEIRD.

EUGH. I FEEL SHITE. HUGS REQ.

ARGH. STOP BEING YOU. JUST STOP. I can't stop me falling for you when you're amazing. Stop leading me on. You have a fucking girlfriend. I'm not the kind of girl that splits relationships up. I'm just not. ARGH TO YOU
Awwwwww.. DRAMA!! Hollyoaks I mean., actually my life is pretty dramatic. OOOOH Jake.

HA- I had loads to write about night, stuff I need to get off my chest but now I'm all distracted by pretty boys and teenage soaps!

Eugh this is really a shitty situation. Which is fairly understandable. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I've fought for four fucking years just to get people at work to speak to me, now I'm actually accepted. People take me for who I am and know that I'm not going to change to fit in with their little cliques. But now that's kind of in jeopardy. Apparently, everyone thinks I like you, which I do but that's unrelated. I dunno, people have gossiped about us since we first started working together, about how we seemed to connect and liked eachother and couldn't hust be friends. Which was fine because there was no malice in it, I was just secretly glad that it wasn't just me! But now things are getting messy, people are makign it so it all comes from me, I'm being made to look like the bitch who's trying to steal someone's boyfriend. I wouldn't dream of it, I'm not that kind of person. Sure I wouldn't mind being with you, I think t'would be amazing btu I woudn't go near someone who had a gf. I don't like the idea that everyone's talking about me in that way. They assume that I'm not happy with us being friends and don't seem to understand the idea that people can want to be friends without gettign anything in return. I dunno. I thought today that it would be better for me if we stop being friends, if I ust don't talk to you. Damn that was hard. I lasted for a few hours but you got pissed off/worried and spoke first. You made a silly noise that you know always makes me laugh. I dunno, I couldn't not be friends after that. I just feel like we have a connection, I dunno I aint felt like that for ages. But I'm happy with being friends. I wish this hadn't been turned against me, I tihnk you've got the same feelings as me. Something which I'm finding incredibly hard to understnad because I don't see my good points. I wish you weren't with her btu I don't want to be the reason that you're not. I won't be that reason. Hmmmm. I don't like difficult situations btu here's Mock The Week to cheer me up. Not that I'm depressed, just thoughtful. Hmmm.

Current Mood: thoughtful

I can't think of a subject, mainly because I suck but also because nothing seems fitting. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to have feelings for you. I knew all along that you had a girlfriend. But I guess I thought I could change your mind, steal you from her. I didn't think it was serious, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't believe how cold hearted and manipulative that sounds. You'd hate me if you knew. But now I'm fucking stuck with these feelings, as if anyone would want me as anything more than a last resort. When I saw you two together on Monday, I could have just crumpled up there and then, I very nearly did. I wanted to just escape. You saw me, you saw me cross the road to avoid you. I know that you did. Then today, your first day back, I was dreading seeing you. For some random, stupid reason that I don't know I was angry with you. I couldn't look at you, I just walked away. FFS HOW IRRITATING IS ABBIE CLANCY. back on topic. You followed me up the corridor to speak to me. I couldn't be angry with you. A part of me wishes you'd left so I didn't ahve to see you every day and be reminded of what I'll never me able to have. I dunno. I just dunno./man1

You're unlike anyone I've ever liked before, which I dunno if this is a good thing. THESE FUCKERS KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FASHION! SHUT THE FUCK UP!/off topic. For starters you're proper manly, not like the normal indie boys I like. DAMN you're hot. But you're fucking crude and obscene. You're not all that intelligent and our interests are worlds apart. But you're one of the kindest, funniest and sweetest men I've ever met. Even though we're proper different I can't stop thinking of you, I dunno I miss you when you're not in. You'd NEVER be interested though, not in someone like me. Comments have been made by other people but then thats part of the enviroment. You're a fucking manwhore or at least you used to be but you'd never go near me. Can you not just grab me and fuck me?/man2

I fucking hate you you stupid slut. Everyone likes you because you're fucking easy. You've slept with the majority of the fucking kitchen and you're not even ashamed, the ones you aint slept with stick up for you because they want to sleep with you. WHY are you flirting with married men!? JESUS! I dunno why the women like you. or even if they do, maybe it's because you're nice to them and they don't see though it. Don't think I don't know a fake when I see it. I wish everyone else could see through it and stop licking your arse./bitch one.

Woah now there you go. Just a load of shite I wanted to get off my chest. I'm not in a good place atm because I've got a lot going on in my head, a lot of stuff I need to deal with that I don't know if I can deal with. I dunno, the whole HC and T things arereally gettign to me. I wish I wasn't me, that I didn't look like me. Maybe things would be better then?

Current Location: Flattage
Current Mood: depressed
Current Music: this shitty "fashion" show.

I got tagged by Steph

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag five people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.


1. What do you usually wear to bed, PJs or boxer shorts?
I wear uber huge mens tshirts and PJ bottoms, ever so sexy. Except not.

2. What is the most interesting/bizarre/amusing dream you have ever had?
I don't sleep enough to have dreams, never mind remember past dreams.

3. What's your favourite colour of ink to write with?
Bloooo

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
Edinburgh, because it always feels like home when I'm there.

5. Who is your girl crush?
AAAAAAGGGGGGGYYYYYY

6. How do you like your toast?
White, with butter and apricot jam please.

7. Ever cheated on someone?
Nope.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
What the hell can I do?

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Men and the fucking twats I work with.

10. How would you like to die?
Gun shot wound to the head.

11. What do you wish you could eat right now?
Ice Cream

12. What are your guilty pleasure shows?
Porn?!

13. What is one of your biggest pet peeves?
Stupidity

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
She's mint, I heart her.

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
The Cribs- Men's Needs

16. What’s your favourite item of clothing?
My old man jacket.

17. How do you see yourself?
Fuck-Up

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
Eyes.

19. Would you bungee jump from the Empire State Building for $10,000,000?
I'd do it for nothing!?

20. What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite gender sex?
Stuart. Thank fuck I don't have a cock.


I tag Bex, Emma, Leigh, Danielle and Wenna

I don't think this country is for me anymore, the more time I spend pondering this country the more I realise I want to leave before things get any worse. I'm more than seriously considering abandoning ship, if only I could decide where for. Maybe it's a case of the grass being greener but the grass can't be any as dead, decaying and littered as this country. Maybe it's just this area. It would be almost viable to give up my life here and relocate somewhere with more prospects, possibly York, or somewhere in Scotland, maybe I'll go the whole hog and go south. This area is fucking shite. There are no jobs, no-one cares about morals or anyone but themselves, no-one puts any money into the area, no-one wants to work and everyone seems happy living off everyone elses hard work- around 25% of my wages go on taxes and I see the products of it every time I look out of the window, 19 year olds with 4 or 5 kids, lazy fuckers who can't be assed to get a job. I know that taxes go on the same things everywhere but surely the whole of the UK can't be full of lazy people who don't get a job because the government hands them out money in varying benefits. I'd say at least half of the people surrounding me don't work and are on some form of benefit. WHich is fair enough if you're genuinely unable to work. A bad back isn't a good enough excuse in my book. I could blame Labour because they're shite but I doubt if anyone else could bring this country back to how it was? I'm only 19 but I can remember a time when kids could play in the street and get dirty without their parents, fuelled by media dramatism, reaching for the News of the World's guide to spotting Paedos and locking them up infront of television screens. FFS! We used to fish in the drains near our house and no-one cared! Kids aren't kids anymore, they are merely manifestations of their parents unfulfilled desires and deepest fears. OMG! Lets all dress our 7 year olds up as adults! Let them wear make-up and heels! I really do hate humanity.

But not as much as I hate my job, it really is getting unbearable working there. I quite like the job, even the messy parts, I like meeting people on the wards and in the restaurant, I like thinking that I'm playing a small part in making someone feel a little better. I like the money, but that's a given. It's the colleagues I hate. If everyone but a handful of people were anihilated in some way then replaced by humans then it may actualy be a good place to work. It's as though everyone's just out to put everyone else down, some days you turn around and it feels as though the knives are out, everyone has some comment to make on everyone else's business, both personal and work based. The arguments are becoming more frequent, over petty things, people are resorting to phoning the OSM, the highest directorate manager for petty things, for example an accusationw as made last week that a colleague was waving a knive around. When in fact 6 witnesses verified that it was infact a fuckign TEAPOT. But the bitch that made the complaint was sure she was right. She's determined to make everyone's life a misery. It doesn't stop at our level though, even the supervisor's are fucking useless. The Head Chef is possibly the least respected man I've ever met in my entire life. He's a hypocrite in the highest sense of the word, t'other day one of the decent people, one of the chef's got a bollocking for about 40 minutes about the sandwich fillings not being dated, something which he has nothing to do with, it isn't his responsibility. This from the same head chef who was determined that raw meat goes at the top of the fridge, with cooked meat below it, despite 3 members of staff explaining why this was ridiculous! He accused staff members of stealing coffee last week despite knowing that they'd seen him stealing the aformentioned coffee!! SERIOUSLY! The next in my line of fire is another of the supervisors who shouldn't even be there. She isn't physically capable of the job due to her age so is employed for 37.5 hours per week to fill in some Excel databases with how many hours each person works a week. Something that took me 3 hours to do when I covered for her. She does complete the rotas but cocks them up every week, with staff getting shifts as overtime over bank staff who are supposed to get priority. She regulary has the same person in for the same shift 4 times, leaving the team 3 down. She often doesn't bother covering shifts because "they'll have to manage" forgetting that we're only human and this is most nights we have to manage! Something made worse when people decide they just can't be arsed to come in and don't phone or leave enough time to find cover. The third supervisor isn't considered a supervisor by any of the staff, supposed to be Assistant Head Chef but is as much use as a chocolate fireguard. The fourth is useless and lazy, she does the same job as any of us but gets paid as a supervisor. This must be the only place in which you can get into trouble from supervisor 2 (old fucker) for helping someone who was struggling to get their job done on time due to the pure spitefulness of other colleagues. I prepped one of the dishes for lunchtime service on Thursday to help the chef, who I class as a friend, I'd completed my own jobs and did it in my lunch break. Within minutes someone was on the phone to the kitchen reporting me to a supervisor. Cue the arrival of the headchef who caught me taking a tray of bacon from under the grill, part of our daily duties. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T HANDLE HOT FOOD! THAT'S A CHEF'S JOB." I informed him that since the beginning of time we've cooked the bacon for breakfast service, so how was it any different at lunch. He didn't answer and walked away proceeding to give the chef a bollocking about pointless things. On Saturday I got a bollocking from the Supervisor who does nothing, because apparently when someone is struggling I should report them and never help them again. To which I explained that I wasn't going to stand by and watch someone struggle and that helping a chef with prep was no different to helping a catering assistant wash dishes. None of this was listened to, I was still considered to be in the wrong! I honestly believe that I could do a better job as supervisor than the 4 of them put together. Maybe then it would be a decent place to work.

I really just want to escape now. I'm considering it as a viable option. If I can find a job elsewhere that will allow me to study part time, in an area where rent is affordable then I'll be gone as soon as my lease runs out in December. The only things keeping me here is Ashleigh, My Mam and Steph.

Can I be someone new please?

I just thought I'd clear up things after my grossly over-reacting last post. The thing with the jobs still stands but I've been promised a contract in September and given a few options until then so I might not suffer too much. I'm still going to take the flat so maybe things will look up from Monday. I haaavee waaayy too many crushes at work which really doesn't giv my ability to do my job any easier when they're being all hot and yay. Nevermind when they ask if they can "smash my pastie". Not the nicest Euphemism in the world but nevermind.

I fucking hate being alive, I wish I could just die, I can't do this for much longer. Over the last month I've finally been gettign myself put back together and on some sort of track again, whether it's the right track was irellevent. I was getting somewhere, good things were happening to me. But no. Before anything good comes into fruitition life kicks me back down into the shit hole I was in a few months ago. I've been working like a fucking dog since February, working more that 40 hours per week, normally over 50. Because I'm only bank staff I'm only as and when required. There's ten bank staff at the moment, I'm the only person trained for every single job in the department, I'm the only one willing to do anything, I'm the only one who's prepared to drope verything if they phone. Yesterday the management were informed by HR that contracts were to be given to bank staff. But not all bank staff, every member of bank staff but me. So that's 150 hours in total. Apparently because I've only been on the bank for 9 months I'm worthless. So out of those nine who've been given contracts two work like 3 hours a month and do fuck all when they're here, 1 works when she wants and does what she wants, 1 never turns in for shifts, 2 have left and the other 3 probably deserve them. So with 150 horus worth of contracted staff I'm not going to get any hours. No hours means no pay. No pay means giving up the one good thing I'm looking forward to, my flat. I've been looking forward to moving in for fucking ages, ever since I started looking. It was going to fix most of my problems. but oh no. It would be a shame for anything to go right and be easier for me. I'm going to have to stay at home. Work won't put me through the training I've been promised so I can't do what I want. I can't afford to pay to do the training myself and I can't get funding because I'm too old/young and not technically unemployed, even if I don't have any hours and hence no pay. So I'll not be able to start my driving lessons again, I'll not be able to afford to see my friends, I'm too fucking far away for them to see me. I've already lost most of my friends because I don't have the time to see them because I'm work so much. I wish I'd ended it months ago. If this is life then I don't want to be alive anymore. I have nothign in my life. My friends are all pissed off with me, they're slowly drifting away because I don't have the time or the money to see them. I don't ahve a job. I'm living in a house that I hate being in. I have little money. My family tolerate me. I have nothing. I'm a stupid, worthless fat blob. I hate this.argh. help me someone.