Why can't we just rewind?

musings

2008-11-06T21:13:10Z

Ooooooohh! This is weird! Oh so weird. I have no idea what's changed. I actually don't. I'm more freaked out by this happiness lark than I ever was with even the deepest depression. I've been happy, liek consistently happy for about 3 weeks, which by the way is actually a record. I don't know where it stems from. Maybe it's an uber adrenaline rush from my tattoos!? Surely that jsut aint physically possible? You can't have a 3 week adrenaline rush from 2 little tattoos!? Things are definately looking up. I tihnk I've realised how damned well I'm doing! I don't want to seem braggy but things are looking upp! I've got my own place, I'm financially nearly secure, I'm at college doing a course I'm interested in, I'm being paid alot of money for a job I actually like and I have as much freedom as I want. I realised that despite it being a shitty job I actually enjoy it. I still can't bide about *thinks* 40 percent of my colleagues but I can deal wirth them. 50% of them I actually like and the other 10% I count as friends so it's all gravy. I think my love life may be looking up. I dunno, I really dunno. I don't want to be with Mark, I tihnk I've just been convincing myself, I reet like being mates with him though. He;s fucking mint!! T'other one though, I see a future with him, like a long term future, kids and stuff. I really think he'll be te father of my kids, this isn't me being afantasist. I have a gut feeling. I dunno though. All the signs are there he likes me but I still dunno. Something tells me things ar going to come to a head soon though. Not gettign my hopes up though

I sound as though I have the perfect life and everything is going right but there are still some things I have to work on. FOr starters I need to mkae more of an effort with my family, I live closer than I have for about 3 years but I still don't get to see them! Damn working shitty hours, might start going down after work. I feel like I'm missing DAisy growing up, when she was born I promised myself that I'd see her grow up but I'm missing things all the time. And my Grandma Cis, she's 83 now and I don't see her for months on end, something I know I'll regret deeply when her time comes. I'm going to try go atleast once every 2 weeks. My friends must get uber sick of notseeing me. I say friends but there's only really steph left now. Laurie and that I dunno, we kind of meet once in a while for old times sake, we're just all too scared to let go. We've been through so fucking much together and I'd liek to stay friends with thme but we're worlds apart from now. We've all moved on without eachother. Steph!!! I fucking love her, she's like my sister. Seeing you yday made me realise how much you mean to me and we have to see wachother more regulary thatn we are atm. I knwo it's damned hard becasue we've both got so many commitments but I'm not letting this go. I want you to be the godmother to my kids. I want you to be bridesmaid at my wedding and tell funny stories about us. I want you to be the best friend I always wanted, you are that but I want it always. I heart you pet. I hope you know it.

OMFG. I have confidence! Which is most odd, I think this comes from college and getting out on my own with the flat and all that jazz. I dunno I used to walk with my head to the ground but I don't anymore. It's not a conscious thing. I dunno I jsut like it!

Hmmm this pregnancy thing is proper freaking me out now. I've been having a recurring, vivid dream that I'm pregnant, like the entire pregnancy and I can feel things liek contractions and the baby kicking. I've had it like 6 times now. I've also been waking up with my hand on my stomach, like pregnant women do, proper weird. I dunno. It's WEIRD.

interlude88 @ 2008-10-19T20:19:00

2008-10-19T19:28:29Z

EUGH. I FEEL SHITE. HUGS REQ.

hmmm

2008-10-16T17:59:08Z

ARGH. STOP BEING YOU. JUST STOP. I can't stop me falling for you when you're amazing. Stop leading me on. You have a fucking girlfriend. I'm not the kind of girl that splits relationships up. I'm just not. ARGH TO YOU
Awwwwww.. DRAMA!! Hollyoaks I mean., actually my life is pretty dramatic. OOOOH Jake.

HA- I had loads to write about night, stuff I need to get off my chest but now I'm all distracted by pretty boys and teenage soaps!

interlude88 @ 2008-09-25T20:43:00

2008-09-25T20:01:23Z

Eugh this is really a shitty situation. Which is fairly understandable. I know I shouldn't care what people think of me, but I've fought for four fucking years just to get people at work to speak to me, now I'm actually accepted. People take me for who I am and know that I'm not going to change to fit in with their little cliques. But now that's kind of in jeopardy. Apparently, everyone thinks I like you, which I do but that's unrelated. I dunno, people have gossiped about us since we first started working together, about how we seemed to connect and liked eachother and couldn't hust be friends. Which was fine because there was no malice in it, I was just secretly glad that it wasn't just me! But now things are getting messy, people are makign it so it all comes from me, I'm being made to look like the bitch who's trying to steal someone's boyfriend. I wouldn't dream of it, I'm not that kind of person. Sure I wouldn't mind being with you, I think t'would be amazing btu I woudn't go near someone who had a gf. I don't like the idea that everyone's talking about me in that way. They assume that I'm not happy with us being friends and don't seem to understand the idea that people can want to be friends without gettign anything in return. I dunno. I thought today that it would be better for me if we stop being friends, if I ust don't talk to you. Damn that was hard. I lasted for a few hours but you got pissed off/worried and spoke first. You made a silly noise that you know always makes me laugh. I dunno, I couldn't not be friends after that. I just feel like we have a connection, I dunno I aint felt like that for ages. But I'm happy with being friends. I wish this hadn't been turned against me, I tihnk you've got the same feelings as me. Something which I'm finding incredibly hard to understnad because I don't see my good points. I wish you weren't with her btu I don't want to be the reason that you're not. I won't be that reason. Hmmmm. I don't like difficult situations btu here's Mock The Week to cheer me up. Not that I'm depressed, just thoughtful. Hmmm.

HFGASKGHKSDHGSDBVSA

2008-09-11T19:19:30Z

I can't think of a subject, mainly because I suck but also because nothing seems fitting. I wish I hadn't allowed myself to have feelings for you. I knew all along that you had a girlfriend. But I guess I thought I could change your mind, steal you from her. I didn't think it was serious, I don't know what I was thinking. I can't believe how cold hearted and manipulative that sounds. You'd hate me if you knew. But now I'm fucking stuck with these feelings, as if anyone would want me as anything more than a last resort. When I saw you two together on Monday, I could have just crumpled up there and then, I very nearly did. I wanted to just escape. You saw me, you saw me cross the road to avoid you. I know that you did. Then today, your first day back, I was dreading seeing you. For some random, stupid reason that I don't know I was angry with you. I couldn't look at you, I just walked away. FFS HOW IRRITATING IS ABBIE CLANCY. back on topic. You followed me up the corridor to speak to me. I couldn't be angry with you. A part of me wishes you'd left so I didn't ahve to see you every day and be reminded of what I'll never me able to have. I dunno. I just dunno./man1

You're unlike anyone I've ever liked before, which I dunno if this is a good thing. THESE FUCKERS KNOW FUCK ALL ABOUT FASHION! SHUT THE FUCK UP!/off topic. For starters you're proper manly, not like the normal indie boys I like. DAMN you're hot. But you're fucking crude and obscene. You're not all that intelligent and our interests are worlds apart. But you're one of the kindest, funniest and sweetest men I've ever met. Even though we're proper different I can't stop thinking of you, I dunno I miss you when you're not in. You'd NEVER be interested though, not in someone like me. Comments have been made by other people but then thats part of the enviroment. You're a fucking manwhore or at least you used to be but you'd never go near me. Can you not just grab me and fuck me?/man2

I fucking hate you you stupid slut. Everyone likes you because you're fucking easy. You've slept with the majority of the fucking kitchen and you're not even ashamed, the ones you aint slept with stick up for you because they want to sleep with you. WHY are you flirting with married men!? JESUS! I dunno why the women like you. or even if they do, maybe it's because you're nice to them and they don't see though it. Don't think I don't know a fake when I see it. I wish everyone else could see through it and stop licking your arse./bitch one.

Woah now there you go. Just a load of shite I wanted to get off my chest. I'm not in a good place atm because I've got a lot going on in my head, a lot of stuff I need to deal with that I don't know if I can deal with. I dunno, the whole HC and T things arereally gettign to me. I wish I wasn't me, that I didn't look like me. Maybe things would be better then?

Taggggged

2008-08-22T19:38:06Z

I got tagged by Steph

A) People who have been tagged must write their answers on their blogs and replace any question that they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

B) Tag five people to do this quiz and those who are tagged cannot refuse. These people must state who they were tagged by and cannot tag the person whom they were tagged by. Continue this game by sending it to other people.

1. What do you usually wear to bed, PJs or boxer shorts?
I wear uber huge mens tshirts and PJ bottoms, ever so sexy. Except not.

2. What is the most interesting/bizarre/amusing dream you have ever had?
I don't sleep enough to have dreams, never mind remember past dreams.

3. What's your favourite colour of ink to write with?
Bloooo

4. What is the city of your dreams and why?
Edinburgh, because it always feels like home when I'm there.

5. Who is your girl crush?
AAAAAAGGGGGGGYYYYYY

6. How do you like your toast?
White, with butter and apricot jam please.

7. Ever cheated on someone?
Nope.

8. If the person you secretly like is already attached, what would you do?
What the hell can I do?

9. Is there anything that has made you unhappy these days?
Men and the fucking twats I work with.

10. How would you like to die?
Gun shot wound to the head.

11. What do you wish you could eat right now?
Ice Cream

12. What are your guilty pleasure shows?
Porn?!

13. What is one of your biggest pet peeves?
Stupidity

14. What kind of person do you think the person who tagged you is?
She's mint, I heart her.

15. What’s the last song that got stuck in your head?
The Cribs- Men's Needs

16. What’s your favourite item of clothing?
My old man jacket.

17. How do you see yourself?
Fuck-Up

18. What's the first thing you notice in people?
Eyes.

19. Would you bungee jump from the Empire State Building for $10,000,000?
I'd do it for nothing!?

20. What were your parents going to name you if you'd been born the opposite gender sex?
Stuart. Thank fuck I don't have a cock.

I tag Bex, Emma, Leigh, Danielle and Wenna

Fluxy?

2008-08-12T14:48:51Z

I don't think this country is for me anymore, the more time I spend pondering this country the more I realise I want to leave before things get any worse. I'm more than seriously considering abandoning ship, if only I could decide where for. Maybe it's a case of the grass being greener but the grass can't be any as dead, decaying and littered as this country. Maybe it's just this area. It would be almost viable to give up my life here and relocate somewhere with more prospects, possibly York, or somewhere in Scotland, maybe I'll go the whole hog and go south. This area is fucking shite. There are no jobs, no-one cares about morals or anyone but themselves, no-one puts any money into the area, no-one wants to work and everyone seems happy living off everyone elses hard work- around 25% of my wages go on taxes and I see the products of it every time I look out of the window, 19 year olds with 4 or 5 kids, lazy fuckers who can't be assed to get a job. I know that taxes go on the same things everywhere but surely the whole of the UK can't be full of lazy people who don't get a job because the government hands them out money in varying benefits. I'd say at least half of the people surrounding me don't work and are on some form of benefit. WHich is fair enough if you're genuinely unable to work. A bad back isn't a good enough excuse in my book. I could blame Labour because they're shite but I doubt if anyone else could bring this country back to how it was? I'm only 19 but I can remember a time when kids could play in the street and get dirty without their parents, fuelled by media dramatism, reaching for the News of the World's guide to spotting Paedos and locking them up infront of television screens. FFS! We used to fish in the drains near our house and no-one cared! Kids aren't kids anymore, they are merely manifestations of their parents unfulfilled desires and deepest fears. OMG! Lets all dress our 7 year olds up as adults! Let them wear make-up and heels! I really do hate humanity.

But not as much as I hate my job, it really is getting unbearable working there. I quite like the job, even the messy parts, I like meeting people on the wards and in the restaurant, I like thinking that I'm playing a small part in making someone feel a little better. I like the money, but that's a given. It's the colleagues I hate. If everyone but a handful of people were anihilated in some way then replaced by humans then it may actualy be a good place to work. It's as though everyone's just out to put everyone else down, some days you turn around and it feels as though the knives are out, everyone has some comment to make on everyone else's business, both personal and work based. The arguments are becoming more frequent, over petty things, people are resorting to phoning the OSM, the highest directorate manager for petty things, for example an accusationw as made last week that a colleague was waving a knive around. When in fact 6 witnesses verified that it was infact a fuckign TEAPOT. But the bitch that made the complaint was sure she was right. She's determined to make everyone's life a misery. It doesn't stop at our level though, even the supervisor's are fucking useless. The Head Chef is possibly the least respected man I've ever met in my entire life. He's a hypocrite in the highest sense of the word, t'other day one of the decent people, one of the chef's got a bollocking for about 40 minutes about the sandwich fillings not being dated, something which he has nothing to do with, it isn't his responsibility. This from the same head chef who was determined that raw meat goes at the top of the fridge, with cooked meat below it, despite 3 members of staff explaining why this was ridiculous! He accused staff members of stealing coffee last week despite knowing that they'd seen him stealing the aformentioned coffee!! SERIOUSLY! The next in my line of fire is another of the supervisors who shouldn't even be there. She isn't physically capable of the job due to her age so is employed for 37.5 hours per week to fill in some Excel databases with how many hours each person works a week. Something that took me 3 hours to do when I covered for her. She does complete the rotas but cocks them up every week, with staff getting shifts as overtime over bank staff who are supposed to get priority. She regulary has the same person in for the same shift 4 times, leaving the team 3 down. She often doesn't bother covering shifts because "they'll have to manage" forgetting that we're only human and this is most nights we have to manage! Something made worse when people decide they just can't be arsed to come in and don't phone or leave enough time to find cover. The third supervisor isn't considered a supervisor by any of the staff, supposed to be Assistant Head Chef but is as much use as a chocolate fireguard. The fourth is useless and lazy, she does the same job as any of us but gets paid as a supervisor. This must be the only place in which you can get into trouble from supervisor 2 (old fucker) for helping someone who was struggling to get their job done on time due to the pure spitefulness of other colleagues. I prepped one of the dishes for lunchtime service on Thursday to help the chef, who I class as a friend, I'd completed my own jobs and did it in my lunch break. Within minutes someone was on the phone to the kitchen reporting me to a supervisor. Cue the arrival of the headchef who caught me taking a tray of bacon from under the grill, part of our daily duties. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? YOU CAN'T HANDLE HOT FOOD! THAT'S A CHEF'S JOB." I informed him that since the beginning of time we've cooked the bacon for breakfast service, so how was it any different at lunch. He didn't answer and walked away proceeding to give the chef a bollocking about pointless things. On Saturday I got a bollocking from the Supervisor who does nothing, because apparently when someone is struggling I should report them and never help them again. To which I explained that I wasn't going to stand by and watch someone struggle and that helping a chef with prep was no different to helping a catering assistant wash dishes. None of this was listened to, I was still considered to be in the wrong! I honestly believe that I could do a better job as supervisor than the 4 of them put together. Maybe then it would be a decent place to work.

I really just want to escape now. I'm considering it as a viable option. If I can find a job elsewhere that will allow me to study part time, in an area where rent is affordable then I'll be gone as soon as my lease runs out in December. The only things keeping me here is Ashleigh, My Mam and Steph.

interlude88 @ 2008-07-31T20:54:00

2008-07-31T20:03:49Z

Can I be someone new please?

hmm

2008-06-10T20:02:32Z

I just thought I'd clear up things after my grossly over-reacting last post. The thing with the jobs still stands but I've been promised a contract in September and given a few options until then so I might not suffer too much. I'm still going to take the flat so maybe things will look up from Monday. I haaavee waaayy too many crushes at work which really doesn't giv my ability to do my job any easier when they're being all hot and yay. Nevermind when they ask if they can "smash my pastie". Not the nicest Euphemism in the world but nevermind.

Another fucking kick to the head for me.

2008-06-06T07:23:57Z

I fucking hate being alive, I wish I could just die, I can't do this for much longer. Over the last month I've finally been gettign myself put back together and on some sort of track again, whether it's the right track was irellevent. I was getting somewhere, good things were happening to me. But no. Before anything good comes into fruitition life kicks me back down into the shit hole I was in a few months ago. I've been working like a fucking dog since February, working more that 40 hours per week, normally over 50. Because I'm only bank staff I'm only as and when required. There's ten bank staff at the moment, I'm the only person trained for every single job in the department, I'm the only one willing to do anything, I'm the only one who's prepared to drope verything if they phone. Yesterday the management were informed by HR that contracts were to be given to bank staff. But not all bank staff, every member of bank staff but me. So that's 150 hours in total. Apparently because I've only been on the bank for 9 months I'm worthless. So out of those nine who've been given contracts two work like 3 hours a month and do fuck all when they're here, 1 works when she wants and does what she wants, 1 never turns in for shifts, 2 have left and the other 3 probably deserve them. So with 150 horus worth of contracted staff I'm not going to get any hours. No hours means no pay. No pay means giving up the one good thing I'm looking forward to, my flat. I've been looking forward to moving in for fucking ages, ever since I started looking. It was going to fix most of my problems. but oh no. It would be a shame for anything to go right and be easier for me. I'm going to have to stay at home. Work won't put me through the training I've been promised so I can't do what I want. I can't afford to pay to do the training myself and I can't get funding because I'm too old/young and not technically unemployed, even if I don't have any hours and hence no pay. So I'll not be able to start my driving lessons again, I'll not be able to afford to see my friends, I'm too fucking far away for them to see me. I've already lost most of my friends because I don't have the time to see them because I'm work so much. I wish I'd ended it months ago. If this is life then I don't want to be alive anymore. I have nothign in my life. My friends are all pissed off with me, they're slowly drifting away because I don't have the time or the money to see them. I don't ahve a job. I'm living in a house that I hate being in. I have little money. My family tolerate me. I have nothing. I'm a stupid, worthless fat blob. I hate this.argh. help me someone.

skdlghsdghsdhuiwnvunlr

2008-05-24T20:04:26Z

FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK

I made a decision this morning, I'm going stop drinking. Last night I was drunk and this morning I just thought what the hell is the point? I ithnk I upset Murshed even if he won't admit it and I have no idea what I said/did. It scares me not being fully aware of what I'm doing and saying and I don't like the person I am when I'm drunk. I also don't like the day after, the lack of sleep and the alcohol makes me ill but also really depressed. I hope I haven't lost you, I wish I knew what I've done if I've done anything at all. I coulds ee the pure disgust in your face last night because I was drunk, hideously so. I hate myself for it. I don't need to drink. I'm not my dad. Whenevefr I dirnk it's always at the back of my head thinking that maybe I'll end up lilke him. And it scares the fuck out of me. I'm being pro-active and stopping myself before I even get the chance.

I hate these feelings I have for you. I'd like nothing for than for them just to stop. I can't deal with this for much longer. It's actually killing me. I love you more than anything and I'm about 87% sure you feel the same, or felt anyway. And because of your religion beased upon a being that there's a 99% chance doesn't even exist. I hate it.

BUT I HEART CSINY YAY!

An Update

2008-05-02T11:38:27Z

CSV sent me a placement yesterday, its an entire village for Jewish people with learning disabilities. But before I even recieved the placement I had an inkling that my plans were to change AGAIN. Death much? I'm pretty sure no-one is interested but my new plan is as follows: Stay working where I am at the hospital until August 2009! Do voluntary work for 2 set days a week at the same time to hopefully get the experience needed for my Social Work degree, if not do Sociology through clearing then do social work Post grad. This way I'll have plenty money for Uni and to live on and I can get voluntary work doing what I want. I'm also considering doing some kind of night course at one of the college/schools in the area purely for the crack. I just don't feel like this is the right time for me to go away for a year, there's way too much going on in my life and in the lives of those around me. So there you go. I have a plan. Well of sorts.

ramblerambleramble

2008-04-30T18:55:10Z

WOAH. JUST WOAH. GET OUT OF MY HEAD. Why can't I stop thinking about you? I literally can't. I have no idea why, actualyl I do but I don't want to admit it. I'm falling for you again and I hate it. I hate myself for letting it happen. I need to stop myself. I was trying sooo damned hard to stop myself falling for you but I failed. I don't know what knocked me soo off balance, I don't know what you did. There was a moment on Friday night when something passed between us, it was as though everything that has happened over the last 6ish years was gone that we weren't who we are that everything was possible. There was something in your voice that I've never heard before. It was odd. But I can't do this again. I can't go through it again. My head just isn't stable enough. I'm about <-----this----> far from a complete breakdown. I can't deal with this aswell. I can't possibly tell you because it would be entirely fruitless with your situation. I know there's always the small chance that you'll go against him. I highly doubt it though. But at the same time I'm not awfully good at keeping things liek this to myself, I eventually get sick of keeping it to myself and decide it's the right time but it'll never be the right time. If only I wasn't me and you weren't you.

On a more positive note I've found TWO new pervage victims at work LOL. How bad does that sound!! One's a man who's probably the same age as my Dad, which is rather alarming, but He's hot in a weird way. The other is *thinks* probably my age and cute in an uber innocent way, so they're almost entirely different and do nothing to dispel rumours that I am infact a complete weirdo.

It doesn't look as though this volunteering thing will come into fruitition because they're taking so damned long organising me a placement, maybe no-one wants me! I have no idea what to do now btu I'm vaguely considering doing an Anthropology degree then a Postgrad course in Social work, then I can do some kind of work experience in the next 4 years? I really don't know! Ahh well just wait and see! I'll give CSV another few weeks to see if they find anyithing for me thens ee from there.

HERE PET! I'M SORRY I LIED ABOUT THIS BEING A JUICY ENTRY!

LOL THAT SOUNDED RANK!

YOU WERE BLATES THINKING THE SAME YOU BIG GAY! ER!

musings

2008-04-02T17:56:01Z

I don't know whats going on in my head at the moment. I'm so messed up I even confuse myself.
In a way I regret telling you that I was Bi because I don't think you believe me. I don't know if you think I'm ust making it up or whatever but I'm not.
I don't like putting myself in a box like that anyway, I'm just me, I'm not the kind of persn you can easily puut a title over. It's how I am and I aint going to change now.
Do I still have feelings for you? You've a nice ass and you're kind and protective. And I really don't like the idea of you with someone else but I dunno if It's a case of not wanting you but not wanting anyone else to have you either. I just don't know. I don't want to be in a relationship with you, thats fr sure. I had loads to write just to get alot of stuff out of my head but for soem reason it's all dissipated into nothing. Why?

eugh

2008-03-06T19:57:12Z

I hate agist twats who say I'm well qualified and perfect for a job then not give me it because I'm not fucking 60. Seriously. Ass. I hope he gets run over.

ramble ramble ramble

2008-02-11T19:39:31Z

I feel crap again.
My life feels almost entirely empty, I just want to fly away and start again.
I've been feeling this alot recently just this urge to leave it all behind and start again somewhere fresh.
I say leave it all but what do I have? One friend, who despite the fact I love her dearly doesn't mean I don't need more friends. I used to have a few friends but we've drifted apart and have very little in common. I don't really want to see them and they don't want to see me. But maybe shit friends are better than no friends? I can't find new friends because I can't afford to leave this fucking house. I don't know where I'd find them anyway. I've always met peopel through school/college so I dunno where to start. I need to meet new peopel though, people who I share interests with.
I have no job, I have interviews but I doubt anything will come of them. I have qualifications that are worthless. I wasted 2 years on fuck all. eugh. No job= no money= guilt at not being able to buy people proper presents.

I have an interview tomorrow in which I have to tell someone why I'm brilliant and why I should be hired but tbh I don't think I'm good at anything. I have no skills. I'm just not brilliant.

I want someone to save me but no-one knows I'm drowning. How will that work.

Doubts at the moment. Or maybe not doubts to me but to others.

2008-01-27T20:23:59Z

I don't really know who I am at the moment because some of my core values have changed. The most fundamental of these being my sexuality. It's always been something I thought was set in stone, I'm straight and thats that. But for the last maybe year and a half I've been doing alot of re-considering, this all came to a head around August time when I properly considered that I could be bi. The recently I don't have much doubt at all but I dunno if I could just be curious. I'll have to persuade a girl to have sex with me to find out, which sounds like alot of fun. I don't think I'm quite at the stage where I want to come out or anything but I'm about 90% sure. I know I'm definately not a lesbian because I heart men but I also heart women.
I've also seriously re-considered children. lol not in a sex way but in an "I'd like to have kids one day" way. I feel maternal for the first time in my life! It's weird because I've never wanted kids before but no I do, maybe not tomorrow but definately in the future. I'm still not sure marriage is for me though!

So as you can see my entire life is in a state of flux and nothign seems concrete at all. Which doesn't worry me nearly as much as it should.

I need to just sick up ideas onto paper but can't find any...

2008-01-17T15:16:58Z

So LJ will have to do!
So far today I've shaved my legs. UBER PRODUCTIVE!
And applied for two assistant manager posts in Charity Shops, the pay will be shite and I'll have to get a bar job to subsidise this/keep my weekends at the hospital but I think I'll enjoy it. At least I hope I will. I've been thinking of my options for life atm and have come up with some ideas and should do a pros/cons list but I CBA!

Option One- Different University, Different course

I could do a fashion and retail management degree at UCLAN or do fashion retailing at Manchester but I'm not sure I want to go to university again. I don't want to get into debt and be uber poor for 3 years but at the same I like learning and the challenge of learning new things and writing essays and things. I'm an academic at heart but atm letters after my name just aren't as important as they once were. I don't think Uni is a serious option for me at the moment, I might go back later on in life but not in the next few years.

Option Two- Work my way up in retail

I think this may be the option I choose because it seems the most straightforward but maybe not that predictable. I geet like working in retail but being a sales assistant just isn't challenging at all, it's fun but not challenging. I expect that I could work my up pretty quickly providing I can get a SA job ASAP. I expect jobs higher than Sales Assistant level are far more challenging and thus more exciting. The only thing is that retail jobs in fashion are pretty scarce up here so it'll be a waiting game. But I don't mind being poor for the next few months until I find something, even if it's just regular retail just until I find something in fashion, which is definately where my heart lies.

Option Three- Open my own shop
This is by far a pipe dream but something I've wanted to do for a while now, open a shop selling vintage clothes btu also online. Only thing is I don't know if there is any real demand in this area, there are already a couple of vintage shops in Newcastle, namely the period clothing warehouse and they're pretty well known so I don't know if the competition would be too high. Only other possibly viable options would be Morpeth/Alnwick or Amble but I just don't know if people would buy vintage here. I do have a meeting with business link solely for some advice so we'll see what happens then. Who knows, it might even be a good idea. It sure would be a challenge gettingt he funding then setting up and actaully running a business but I tihnk it would be a fun challenge.

So I've got three options, well two because I don't think Uni is an option at this point in time, maybe after the 23rd I'll have reached a decision! Who know!? God sure doesn't, because he doesn't exist.

EUGH AND I'M DEVELOPING A THROAT PAIN.

2008

2008-01-11T19:13:04Z

Over the last week I've had a lot of time to think, due to a distinct lack of human contact, something which doesn't worry me in the slightest. I've been thinking of things I'd like to achieve in 2008 so I'll write them down in here then Tick them off as I achieve them... or write a big essay of excuses next year when I don't achieve any of them.
1) Buy 80% of my clothes from Charity Shops.
2) Try to limit buying things I don't need.
3) Get a permanent job...enjoyment optional.
4) Make more time for my friends.
5) Make a bigger effort to talk to new people.
6) See my family more and show them how much I care.
7) See more comedy.
8) Learn how to use my sewing machine properly.
9) Take more risks with clothes.
10) Move out of the parental house properly.

So... there's ten things to work on over the year, who knows whether I'll achieve them. Will someone remind me to see whether I achieved them this time next year?

OMFG WHATS THE CRACK WITH THE TIRED FACE?

I need to clear my head of 2007!

2008-01-04T10:40:29Z

Well, to be honest 2007 was a shitty year so I hope 2008 improves on that! I've done a hell of alot of thinking over the past year and changed my values and aspirations almost completely. I passed my A-levels but didn't get what I needed to get into Edinburgh, maybe the end of the year might have turned out as it did if I had. I didn't really but enough into it to get the grades I neeeded but I'm over it now. I started 2007 rich and ended it poor, which sucks but is pretty uncontrollable. Start of 2007 I had lots of friends, through college and school but now I have one friend(heart you bint). I pretty much drifted away from my friends from college, which is a shame because I really got on with them but damn my laziness and inability to stay friends with people. My friends from school really irritate me, they're still 15 years olds in their minds, I'm way past that stage of maturity and don't really share anything in common with them. I shouldn't just avoid them but I haven't got the heart to tell them. I'm sure it'll sort its self out this year, or it'll all come to an end, both would have the same ending. I think it's my values that have changed the most. I used to think that my sole purpose of life was to have lots of letters beside my name and make lots of money and have lots of power. I think when I applied to study RS I actually enjoyed it, it was my passion but YSJ killed that passion. I no longer have an interest let alone a passion. One passion that did grow was the interest in fashion, I'd happily pursue it as a career, as maybe a stylist or something but since I can't draw and don't have any artistic ability then it's merely a pipe dream, whatever that means. So instead I'm going to stick with retail, since I love my job in retail and will be gutted when I have to leave! I've got three plans; 1. Work my way up from being a Sales Assistant, 2. Arcadia Management trainee program or 3. Owning my own vintage clothes shop. I've already applied for the Arcadia management plan and got through the first 3 stages, phone interview next! So hopefully something will come out of that but there are thousands of applicants and only 100 places for the assesment day! I'm not sure how many people they hire after the assessment day but I doubt it's many! I am looking into having my own shop as a serious option, although my family obviously don't think I can do it. I've dreamed about it for the last year or so but only recently have I started to properly think about it! I've got a meeting with business link near the end of January so we'll see what happens then.

There are lots of things I want to do this year:
1. Have a plan.
2. Move out properly, which should happen around July/August time, money permitting.
3. Get a steady income.
4. See more live comedy and buy more comedy DVDs
5. Make more friends and see the friends I already have more often.
6. Pass my Driving test.

Good Luck for 2008 because we're all sure as hell going to need it!

merry fucking christmas

2007-12-14T23:04:59Z

I'm writing this after crying for 45minutes again. Can't sleep. Haven't slept for about 3 weeks. can't even type properly to be honest. I feel sick from crying so much. Haven't been this desperatly unhappy or even depressed for years, can't stop thinking about just ending it all but I couldn't do that to my family. I wouldn't want to let that fucking university end my life. I'm so so scared and worried that come January I won't be able to find a job here. Or in York. No point staying in York to be unahppy I said. But what do I do when I've come back home and I'm ust as unhappy. Removing university was a good step because I lost one worry. But as a result gained another. I have to pay rent in York(£70/week) and £33 a week to the university for "tuition" fees, for some reason they won't dicount the lectures missed to to staff illness or fucking sleeping in or even the wasted lectures on how to write essays after we'd handed in essays. TOSSERS. so I have to pay £103 a week out then £5 a week for phone bills. How do I do this without anything at all coming in? If I can't find a job, which to be honest is likely then I'm screwed? What am I supposed to do? Loan from my mum? I'm already having to loan £500 from her just to pay my next rent installment, which I was relying on my student loan for. But sine i'm no longer a student I don't have that, which is fair. But I don't know how I can pay her back on top of everything else. It's killing me lending it from her because i know she doesn't have much. Infact now she probably has nothing. BUt altleast she knows she's going to be paid every month. I don't have such security. It scares me. So much. How does one go about paying monthly outgoings when one has no incomings? No it just doesn;t work. SO what do I do? I'm going to try damned hard to find a job, I've looked everywhere online to no avail. Everywhere have found their christmas temps and would keep them on rather than hiring someone else and everywhere else ust don't need new staff. So what about me? What will I do come Januar when my contract runs out at EWM? I need an income. I'd be happy with just enough to cover my rent(for the house I won't be living in) and the tuition fee thingy. I can live without maybe food adn such extravagances but these things are mandatory, they have to be paid. I'm not in this mess because I was daft and spent excessive amounts of money and shite. I have a careful budget for food and haven;t bought new clothes since september. I work nearly full time but don't see my wages(whcih are btw mediocre) because some fat cat university gets them because apparently they can't wait until after May for their money, despite charginf over 15000 students £3000 a term for their crappy tuition. And because my bitch of a landlady conned us into signing a special tenancy agreement then unless all 4 of us move out then I have to pay rent still unlelss I find someone to take my room. Which tbh ust aint going to happen at thistime of year. So there's no way out fo this dillema. I'm still scared and I'm still alone and I still can;t sleep. This is possibly going to be the worst christmas of my life so far followed by another shitty year. Although this one will be tough competition by the looks of things next years definately won't be an improvement. But hey atleast the tears have stopped?

A wish list.

2007-12-02T20:26:41Z

Since I'm going to be chronically poor until April I won't be able to buy new clothes. I keep looking at new clothes and going to buy them then remembering I'm poor and can't even afford a new bra despite the wire falling out of all of my white bras. I hate looking in my wardrobe and seeing the same clothes I've been wearing for a year with nothing new! As my interest in fashion increases my bank balance decreases but all on fucking food, gas, electric and internet. I just want one little new thing that I can wear for Christmas day but can't even afford that. BLEURGH. When I started this post it was going to be a joyful wishlist to buy when I get some cash! Maybe I'll still do that. Or now I feel too depressed to be arsed. Damn My mum not being able to visit me on Friday. I was propermlooking forward to it because the thought has been keepping me going. BLEURGH. ROLL ON JAN 20 WHEN I'LL BE HOME.

I am utterly miserable.

2007-11-26T19:14:23Z

I want to go home. end of story.
I fucking hate it here and it's making me miserable.
I hate my housemates.
I hate my course.
I hate Uni.
I hate being away from home.
I hate not being able to see friends when I want.
I hate familiarity.
To be honest, the only things I don't hate are York as a place and my job.
I want to do something fashion related but can't draw.
I'm not beautiful or thin enough to work in fashion.
I hate suddenly losing my plan
I hate not knowing who I am or what I want to do with my life.
I don't want to end up sticking with this and being this depressed.
I don't want to try something new and fail at it.
I know I can do this degree and pass my PGCE but I just don't know if I want to.
Help? Anyone?

Confusion

2007-11-20T21:01:17Z

I've recently come to the realisation that this course/univeristy is killing whatever enthusiasm I had for Religious Stdues(RS). Since being seven, I've had a passion for it but now I'm considering dropping out of uni and the course. I don't even know what it is about the course that I dont like. I like my friends on the course but hate everyone else. I don't mind some of the course content but some of it is fucking pointless. We had a 3 HOUR seminar the other day watching a video that was almost entirely unrelated to the Hindu Dharma course. I'm not struggling with the work except I feel I've left some thing abit late but they aren't completly unfathomable. There's just something about the course that isn't setting me alight at all. I actually like going to uni and lectures and things most of the time and I like having my freedom. I miss home alot but also enjoy being away from home and doing my own thing. I like York and the hustle bustle of it all but miss the quiet of home. I don't even mind work now even though I don't get any time to myself because I'm either at EWM, Oxfam, Uni or I'm doing Uni work. I received a sewing machine for my birthday and had loads of plans but haven't had a chance to use it. I am seriously considering leaving to do a fashion course, possibly visual merchandising. Only problem is that I'll have to go back to college to do an arts course for a year then go onto uni after that! So I'll be like 2 years older than my classmates. Also I'm not beautiful or thin enough to work in fashion. I worry that I won't be able to do the creative side of things because I have no background in that kind of thing.
So I'm in a complete ponder. Do I stay here and finish my course that I know I can do but possibly don't know what to do afterwards or do I risk it and try a whole new thing that I don't knwo if I'm capable of.
I guess I've got alot of thinking to do.

An update!!!

2007-10-04T15:53:49Z

Well. I made it! I'm officially an inhabitant of York and also a student at York St John University, I've been here since September the 16th and it's been WERID to say the least. Arrived on the 16th, thinking that my hoosemates would be arriving the same day, but alas for I was wrong! Everyone arrived on the Sunday. So on Saturday after the parentals left it was only me in this huge, strange place on my lonesome! I went to sainsbury's and bought random shit because I forgot to make a shopping list! It was proper lonely, having no-one to talk to and no internet, I drank wine and watched casualty. On the Sunday my body decided to hate me and wake up at 6! So I was in the middle of York by half eight, wandering around like a homeless goon! JUST IMAGINE IT!

First week was abit shit to be honest, we had to do lots of course related pointless activities that could have easily been squeezing into a couple of days! The rest of the time was spent sitting at the house, normally in the living room in silence because we had endured a distinct lack of TV in there. It wasn't as bad as it sounds though. I had TV in my room so I was able to watch that if I wanted. I did go home that weekend, because my mam had a car crash on the Tuesday and I couldn't rest being away from home. It's been better since proper lectures started because we've had more to do and we've got a TV in the living room now so we've been sitting in there alot. Well, me and Rachel have. Rebecca is normally out or asleep and Emily sits in her room. But it's all gravy.

I'm proper dissappointed with the way people dress, both at Uni and in York. Everyone(male and female) wear jeans with fucking t-shirts or varying colours, pumps, trainers or uggs. It sucks more than the average rent boy. Here's me going about with my purple tights on (which I love by the way) sticking out like a sore thumb. I've felt abit insecure to be honest, I even considered changing. This all came to a head last night when we( Me, Rachel and Mel, a girl from Rachel's course) went to the Union for the first time. The first time because we're lazy and would rather have a glass of wine infront of Eastenders! We walked in and all the girls were dressed in like mini skirts/dresses, heels and strappy tops, I was wearing a red flouncy skirt and knee high socks. To be honest they mostly looked like shit but it's quite hard always being the odd one out! The union's a proper dump to be honest, it's not all that cheap either. I doubt I'll be a regular there. We ended up having one drink and coming back to ours for pizza and wine! FAR MORE EXCITING!

I'm geet hungry but I can't be assed to cook, I've got to choose between chilli or chicken wraps. I tihnk I might go for the wraps because the chilli takes like an hour to cook and wraps take 10 minutes. hmmm! DECISIONS DECISIONS!

I can update this more often now because i've got the internet at home! YAY *CELEBRATES*

WHY DOES THE HUNGRY FACE LOOK SO DAMNED DEPRESSED!?

Why can't we just rewind?

*musings*

interlude88 @ 2008-10-19T20:19:00

hmmm

interlude88 @ 2008-09-25T20:43:00

HFGASKGHKSDHGSDBVSA

Taggggged

Fluxy?

interlude88 @ 2008-07-31T20:54:00

hmm

Another fucking kick to the head for me.

skdlghsdghsdhuiwnvunlr

An Update

ramblerambleramble

musings

eugh

ramble ramble ramble

Doubts at the moment. Or maybe not doubts to me but to others.

I need to just sick up ideas onto paper but can't find any...

2008

I need to clear my head of 2007!

merry fucking christmas

A wish list.

I am utterly miserable.

Confusion

An update!!!

musings